& it is true what you said that i live like a hermit in my own head

i experienced, from what i can gather,
somewhat of an epiphany this afternoon.
i've been carrying some excess baggage around with me.
don't know why-
maybe because i wanted to feel something. maybe i wanted to torture myself; stifle a part of me- almost like a scapegoat, if things didn't work as planned. if i held on to the painful past, i could always find a reason not to blame myself.
i'm sick of feeling like this- of not being in control of my own goddamn life.
if i've learned anything in this lifetime, i know that i've endured too much, worked too hard, experienced love like the movies, dream come true moments, lost the friendship & guidance of many important people in my life, to let this pain-this insignificant anger- this uncontrollable emotion get in the way - make me insecure and doubt all the beauty that this world offers. if i allow myself to wake ,even one more morning ,and not fucking kiss this earth that i should be so grateful that i stand on, i'm scared that these demons that i've carried for too long will take over my ability to make good decisions-decisions that my life & ultimate happiness depend on.
i spoke with a friend today who told me that he's content. that he realized that happiness is a fleeting feeling-but if we strive to be content, we live our life with purpose- fuck, don't let feelings control you, emotions, they come & go - whats the fucking point? i'll constantly be paddling against the current. but if only i can be content- will i win...i live life with such vigor that i never regret a single thing because unfortunately, just as your emotions are, life is fleeting------
so i have to write it here, my very public diary, so all of you, whoever you are, whoever i am, when i walk out of here, may 2011, can look back and i be held to something powerful. pinned down to a decision-and track my progress. remember these three years for everything they were & everything i want them to be, and consider this just another incredibly fortunate experience..an experience that i made happen on my own. i did this. i wanted this. so, i am going to let myself win..ME,!.... I win. I WIN AT THIS. THIS LIFETIME. not you,
ever.



If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson
If I could open my mouth
Wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing
And bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings.

I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

Your love is gonna drown
Your love is gonna...